After Gilbert & Sullivan’s “When I Was a Lad” from H.M.S. Pinafore
A Satirical Ballad in Seventeen Stanzas
— 1 —
When I was a lass I served a term
As a fish-and-chip girl with nothing to learn,
I fried up the batter and I fried up the grease,
And I never once thought about social peace.
CHORUS:
She fried up the batter and she fried up the grease,
And she never once thought about social peace!
— 2 —
I fried up the chips so carefully,
I learned how to smile at the ones just like me,
I practised my grievance, perfected my frown,
And I rode every small town’s resentment right down.
CHORUS:
She fried up the chips so carefully,
She practised her grievance, perfected her frown,
And she rode every small town’s resentment right down —
That now she is the queen of One Nation Party!
— 3 —
I knew nothing of policy, nothing of law,
But I had a loud voice and a very strong jaw,
I pointed at Others and said “they’re the cause!”
And the punters applauded with thunderous applause.
CHORUS:
She pointed at Others and said “they’re the cause!”
And the punters applauded with thunderous applause!
— 4 —
I knew nothing of economics, nothing of trade,
But I knew how to peddle the fear that I’d made,
I said “they’re invading” and “we’re being swamped!”
And the critics and experts were thoroughly stomped.
CHORUS:
She said “they’re invading” and “we’re being swamped!”
And the critics and experts were thoroughly stomped!
— 5 —
Now Gina is a lady of tremendous wealth,
Who guards every billion with vigilant stealth,
She writes out the policies, seals up the brief,
And posts them to Pauline for her firm belief.
CHORUS:
She writes out the policies, seals up the brief,
And posts them to Pauline for her firm belief!
— 6 —
I never had to think, for thinking takes its toll,
And Gina does the thinking for my heart and soul,
She says “cut the taxes” and I say it too,
And the mining keeps on mining the whole country through.
CHORUS:
She says “cut the taxes” and she says it too,
And the mining keeps on mining — well, what else would Pauline do!
— 7 —
Now the hair is very red — or so it would appear —
A shade not known in nature at this time of year,
A crimson so defiant, such a patriotic hue,
It’s almost like Australia bleeding through and through.
CHORUS:
A crimson so defiant, such a patriotic hue,
It’s almost like Australia bleeding through and through!
— 8 —
The hairdresser is loyal and the hairdresser is true,
She maintains the revolution in that incandescent view,
For a leader needs a symbol and a symbol needs a tint,
And you can’t lead One Nation with a colour that is mint.
CHORUS:
For a leader needs a symbol and a symbol needs a tint,
And you can’t lead One Nation with a colour that is mint!
— 9 —
The roots come in eventually — as roots are wont to do —
A darker, quieter story growing quietly through,
But we don’t speak of darkness when the cameras are near,
We speak of One Australia and the things that we most fear.
CHORUS:
But we don’t speak of darkness when the cameras are near,
We speak of One Australia and the things that we most fear!
— 10 —
I went on the telly and I wept a goodly tear,
I named every villain and I made myself quite clear,
I said the nation’s dying and I know the reason why —
And the ratings were so splendid that I never said goodbye.
CHORUS:
She said the nation’s dying and she knows the reason why,
And the ratings were so splendid that she never said goodbye!
— 11 —
I went to the Senate and I went there twice and more,
I came back like a phoenix when they’d shown me to the door,
I lost, and then I lingered, and then I rose again,
For a woman with no policies has very little pain.
CHORUS:
She lost, and then she lingered, and then she rose again,
For a woman with no policies has very little pain!
— 12 —
Now I’ve got a vision and the vision’s very grand,
I want to be the Prime Minister of this sunburnt land,
I want the biggest office and the very biggest chair,
And a Commonwealth hairdresser to tend my famous hair.
CHORUS:
She wants the biggest office and the very biggest chair,
And a Commonwealth hairdresser to tend her famous hair!
— 13 —
I’ll call Gina in the morning and I’ll call Gina at night,
She’ll tell me what the policy is and whether it is right,
She’ll pass along the talking points and I’ll recite them well,
And Australia will be governed like a mining-rights cartel.
CHORUS:
She’ll pass along the talking points and she’ll recite them well,
And Australia will be governed like a mining-rights cartel!
— 14 —
The lobbyists will flourish and the billionaires will bloom,
The unions will be banished to a suitably small room,
The ABC will wither and the SBS will fade,
And the dream I dreamed in Ipswich will at last be fully paid.
CHORUS:
The ABC will wither and the SBS will fade,
And the dream I dreamed in Ipswich will at last be fully paid!
— 15 —
I’ll send the boats back swiftly and I’ll send the scholars packing,
I’ll keep the coalfields humming while the Greens are left attacking,
I’ll say “the Welcome to Country’s gone on long enough!”
And Gina will text back: “Pauline, that’s the stuff!”
CHORUS:
She’ll say “the Welcome to Country’s gone on long enough!”
And Gina will text back: “Pauline, that’s the stuff!”
— 16 —
So if you want to govern and you haven’t got a thought,
Just find yourself a billionaire of the right-wing sort,
Let her write your platform and your slogans and your spin,
And a woman with no policies can very nearly win!
CHORUS:
Let her write your platform and your slogans and your spin,
And a woman with no policies can very nearly win!
— 17 —
I polished up the rhetoric so carefully,
That now I am the queen of One Nation Party!
And though the throne of Canberra is not quite mine to claim,
I speak for every Australian — and that’s worth more than fame!
CHORUS:
She speaks for every Australian — and that’s worth more than fame,
She speaks for every Australian — and that’s worth more than fame!
– – –
Bakchos is the founder of Blak and Black, an Australian media and advocacy platform established in 2010. Bakchos writes from the intersecting perspectives of Wiradjuri heritage, Jewish identity, and humanism.
© Bakchos, June 2026
